i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
