I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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