I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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