Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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