11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
