As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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