her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
