$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
