2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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