I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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