I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
