I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
