I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
