It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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