How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
