a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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