I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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