True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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