with your own penis?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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