just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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