apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
