We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
