When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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