someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
