Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
