Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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