you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
