if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
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I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
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Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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