you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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