I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
