The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I feel like abortions should bother me more
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
