so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
