i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
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