she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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