its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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