She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
