First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
