College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
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She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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