I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
