Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
