I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
