Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
