ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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