If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
