I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
