Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
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If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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