I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
