oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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