He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
be right there i have to get my cape
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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