i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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