Your face is a jimmy john
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
