We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
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