I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
