I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
