I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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