I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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