we have pet lesbian snakes
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
