She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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